Dealing with Difficult Colleagues
How to Manage Workplace Conflicts and Protect Your Career
Aug 13, 2008
When dealing with difficult colleagues, simple things become sources of unanticipated conflict, mild misunderstandings erupt into toxic behavior, and reasonable requests trigger venomous email exchanges. It’s essential to develop constructive and consistent ways of dealing with difficult colleagues to facilitate your professional success.
What is a “Difficult Colleague”?
“Difficult” can mean different things for different individuals. Here are examples of three distinct yet familiar “difficult” workplace personalities:
- The Drama Queen/King: Continuously in crisis, these individuals are overly dramatic in their responses to events. A primary challenge is to cut through this reaction to the root of a problem, if one exists. An additional complication is presented by the tendency of the Drama Queen/King to cloud discussions with emotion, making resolution even more challenging.
- The Busybody: Busybodies create conflict, either intentionally or innocently, by communicating individually, often behind closed doors, with others about topics and issues that would be better discussed in an open forum. The management issue with the Busybody is damage control; the seeds of suspicion planted behind closed doors can grow into forests of chaos.
- The Thrill-Seeker: Fostering conflict is a priority for Thrill-Seekers. They thrive on confrontation, and the purpose of discussion is not to reach a conclusion, but to provide the adrenaline rush of a good fight. Limiting opportunities for seeding and engaging in conflict is the key to dealing with Thrill-Seekers.
Key Elements of Managing Difficult Colleagues
Building skills around dealing with difficult colleagues is a lifelong task, but there are a number of fundamentals that can be helpful:
- Shut up and listen: The first step in getting through these situations and moving to a reasonable conclusion is to listen carefully, and say very little. Remember that even though the position of the person being difficult may be unclear or seem irrational -- to that individual, it is clear, important -- and likely has, at its base, some real concern, frustration, issue, or problem. Not speaking also prevents you from saying anything you might regret, and allows you to stay neutral and calm.
- Know your own “stuff”: Everyone has triggers that elicit emotional responses that can impair one’s ability to be effective and calm in the heat of the difficult interaction. Pay attention to when you feel your temper rising, and note the circumstances; if a situation begins to push your buttons, give yourself a “time-out” by leaving the room, walking away from the computer, or ending the call. A cooling-off period can keep you from being dragged into the emotion of the situation and remain effective.
- Be a dispassionate observer: Remain detached, neutral, and above the emotion of the conflict. Visualize yourself floating above the scene, but explicitly removed from the heat of it. Observe, listen, and let the other person know he's been heard, but do not allow yourself to come down into the scene. If you feel yourself coming down, visualize floating back up.
The End Game: Limiting the Influence of Difficult Colleagues
You did not make the person difficult, and you cannot “fix” him. You can, however, limit his influence, and not reinforce difficult behavior. For example, lack of response to the Thrill-Seeker can eventually reduce conflict-mongering behavior.
Ideally, interactions with difficult folks result in a mutually-agreeable solution, but realistically, much of the desired outcome is preventing collateral damage. By keeping your cool, listening for the truth, and understanding your own challenges and strengths, it is possible to manage and minimize the influence of difficult colleagues in your career.
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